Try Gentleness...
When in conflict it is tempting to fight fire with fire – is your opponent angry, then you respond in anger; is your opponent rude, then you become rude. The major problem with this tendency to reflect the mood of your opponent is that change rarely comes from such a strategy. More anger will not lead to peace, more rudeness will not lead to reconciliation. To get a different result, we will have to try a different strategy.
The story of Jesus being pushed by the religious leaders to judge the woman they claimed was caught in adultery is instructive about how to use a different strategy to get a different result. Here is the story…
The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”
“No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.” (John 8:3-11)
Notice how Jesus’ choice of gentleness created new opportunities in a stressful and conflict filled situation.
First, Jesus did not engage immediately, but rather delayed his response to change the environment. The religious leaders wanted an immediate response. They wanted Jesus to get drawn into their intense drama. Jesus refused to join their drama and started a separate story line by bending down and writing on the ground.
Gentleness turns down the heat of tension and turns down the volume on drama. Jesus did this by simply refusing to be drawn into their story and making a story of his own. Some helpful questions to ask yourself in this moment are:
Why does this involve me?
How can I act and not just react?
What movements and posture are needed at this moment?
Second, Jesus turned the focus away from the accused woman to the hearts of the individual accusers. Jesus could have opposed their desire to stone the woman, but that would have likely increased the conflict. Jesus proposed a way forward that demanded introspection.
Gentleness reframes the environment by increasing personal responsibility and self-awareness. The accused woman had her problems, but the accusing men needed to deal with their own hearts, not with her actions. Some helpful questions to ask at this moment include…
How can I help these people get in touch with themselves?
Is there a way to reduce this tension with patience and calm?
When Jesus suggested that those who wanted to throw stones at this woman had to make sure that they were without sin, the focus shifted from external justice to internal awareness. The accusers forgot about the woman as they began to think about themselves.
Third, Jesus gave the men who were thinking about their own sinful hearts, space and opportunity to do the work of introspection. He bent down and wrote again, taking his eyes off them. This is such a merciful action on Jesus’ part. Gentleness operates from a stance of mercy, not judgment. Helpful questions in this moment include…
What would it look like if everyone received mercy?
How could mercy be granted to each person in this conflict?
This is hard to accept, especially if you are part of a crowd demanding judgment. But imposed judgment rarely leads to repentance while personal accountability almost always leads there. What a gift Jesus gave these men – who in the middle of a mob, had the opportunity to reflect on themselves and their hearts in the presence of God.
Finally, Jesus allowed the accusers to walk away without judgment and granted forgiveness to the accused. Gentleness creates new possibilities! The angry mob dispersed without violence, while the woman went home with mercy and a second chance at life.
Jesus told the accused woman, “Neither do I condemn you. Go and leave your life of sin.” This surely indicates that Jesus could have passed judgment on her for the sin he tells her to leave behind. But Jesus prefers mercy to judgment and trusts that her gratitude for mercy received will motivate changes that judgment could not compel.
You, like me, have probably tried to fight fire with fire, and have ended up getting burned! In the future why not try gentleness instead. It will save you from being a participant in the burning caused by anger, and it may lead to cool heads, calm hearts, and restored relationships.